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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24051625">They don't hear you singing to me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Azkaban, Depressing, Depression, Everyone Has Issues, Everyone Needs A Hug, Gen, Heavy Angst, How Do I Tag, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I Blame Tumblr, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Sorry, Letters, Love Letters, M/M, Psychological Torture, Psychological Trauma, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sad Sirius Black, Sirius Black Needs a Hug, Sirius Black in Azkaban, im sorry, sorry lmao, this whole messaging thing going on</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 17:28:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,194</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24051625</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In a haze, Sirius finds himself trapped in Azkaban- a nightmare fortress. The only thread of sanity, letters from an old lover, keeping him from spiralling down is grabbed away from him. What must he do now?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>(former), James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black &amp; James Potter, Sirius Black &amp; Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>They don't hear you singing to me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I've been working on this shit for half a year and decided to just post it now. Does it include poorly written shit that i'm, too tired to edit out? Yes it does. </p><p>So yes, have some freshly brewed angst:)</p><p>The title of this fic came from the song <em>Even in Death</em>, by Evanescence. I can't even begin to describe how beautiful Evanescence it, but it was a large portion of the music i listened to while writing this.</p><p>(also what the fuck is the summary im so sorry i cant do summaries)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><div class="userstuff">
  <p></p>
  <div class="userstuff">
    <hr/>
    <p>The cold chains cut into the skin at his wrists. But the glaring pain was numb.</p>
    <p>Sirius felt weak, like his knees would suddenly give in. Dark, hooded guards escorting him seemed to have breathed in all the warmth and happiness from the air, and he was convinced there was none left on earth. It suddenly felt so foreign, like nothing he was used to. It felt so empty, and he hated it.</p>
    <p>And without warning, his numb, bare feet were walking up the cold stairs, through the cells, following the cold creatures ahead of him.</p>
    <p>The process was a screaming haze. He couldn't really remember what had happened, as laughter just kept rioting from inside of him, while his mind processed the the colours, the noises, the <em>news</em>. It was just formalities, though.</p>
    <p>Just plain, empty words.</p>
    <p>He was so sick of them.</p>
    <p>But the one image that haunted him, sucking out all hope from the trial, was Remus's face. He remembered seeing Remus's gaunt and grief-stricken face, with an expression of almost disbelief. The entire country thought he was on Voldemort's side.</p>
    <p>That didn't matter. But Remus believed it too.</p>
    <p>Azkaban was unfathomable.</p>
    <p>The daunting sight of the tower made Sirius's stomach sink. Titanic, grey walls were eternally stretching up, towering over Sirius, as cold winds whipping his uniform and hair. He was surrounded by wispy mist and black hooded figures, almost as fierce as the ocean raging around him. Dark smoke swirled around the tower in an almost mesmerising way, and the dementors were thriving, almost like parasites, feeding on the insanity that radiated from prison, chilling Sirius's bones.</p>
    <p>He was being pulled by the chains towards his cells, as he tried to wrap his head around this warped nightmare. The sights were latching themselves into Sirius's mind; blank stares with open mouths, prisoners trying to put themselves in harm's way by banging their heads against the walls, bloodcurdling screams, and so much worse. Insanity. The same type he'd seen in Frank and Alice.</p>
    <p>Sirius tried to push the though as far away as he possibly could.</p>
    <p>He squeezed his eyes shut as he arrived at his cell. Or at least, the dementors had stopped pulling him. Opening his eyes, he looked toward what was supposed to be his cell.</p>
    <p>But it wasn't a cell. It would be better described as a <em>cage</em>. The cold grey bricks covered in black grime, the dull metal bars, the barred hole in the wall that was supposed to be a window. Every fiber in his body wanted to resist, and run as far away as he could from this place. But he bowed his head, and walked straight in. The chains tearing into his wrists were tied to the walls now.</p>
    <p>Where was the fighting spirit, the part of him that wanted to rebel against it all? That wanted him to put his foot down and say <em>no</em>.</p>
    <p>A dark voice he couldn't recognise was echoing at the back of his mind. What was the the point anyway? He walked in, and heard the metal bars shut with a <em>clang</em> behind him. A part of him felt like it broke inside. </p>
    <p>Hunched up, with his back against the wall, Sirius let out a bitter, humourless laugh that stung his throat. His cell, or cage, had a brilliant view of the moon. Waxing gibbous. It was only a week till the next full moon. His first one alone.</p>
    <p>His chest hurt, and tears prickled his eyes as he thought of Remus's <em>first</em> moon alone. Remus having to painfully transform every month without them again. His stomach started hurting as he remembered how horrifying it was to watch. And tears started falling down his cheek as he realised how alone Remus would be.</p>
    <p>And sweet Merlin, he felt tired. He hadn't even stayed a night, and he already felt like all the energy had been drained from him. But he'd try to do it. If not for James's, Lily's and Remus's sake, then for Harry's. </p>
    <p>He couldn't hold back the tears anymore. Every drop of peace had been drained from him. Between streams of tears that usually never appeared, and the sudden attacks, the night couldn't have been worse.</p>
    <hr/>
    <p>The sun was rising slowly. But from here, it wasn't beautiful. It looked so distant, like it he was watching it from another planet. And it gave him a feeling or sense of longing. But still, the dim light, clouded by mist, was the only source of warmth in this wretched underworld.</p>
    <p>His eyes were stinging. Partly from tears, and partly from strain and exhaustion. Every inch of his body ached. But not only physically, it ached with the pain of the war that had suddenly taken a twist in the worst direction.</p>
    <p>The night was horrible. He felt the weight of everything. James and Lily's death. His best friend, and later brother, killed at Sirius's own hands. <em>His blood on Sirius's hands.</em> Sirius stared down at his bloodied and cut up hands.</p>
    <p>At least, Sirius convinced himself it was at his own hands. The woman his brother loved killed by his side. But what also hurt was the realisation that he'd never get to see the ones he loved ever again. The man he became an animagus for. The man who'd saved him in more ways than he could count.</p>
    <p>And the dementors, slowly sucking away at the sanity in him wasn't helping. He was constantly twitching and flinching, because he could hear their- James and Lily's- voices. And every minute he closed his eyes was pure agony. Whenever he closed his eyes, he could suddenly see their bodies, lying pale and limp-</p>
    <p>Stop. No. It was still too much. Just too soon. He couldn't think about it.</p>
    <p>Turning his mind away to thoughts of the sky, the ocean waves rushing away, as if something was trying to control them. The harsh waters crashing against each other. Because any memory was too painful to think about. Hogwarts, the Order, Remus and him. It was too soon. It would forever be too soon.</p>
    <p>But he was so scared. Because there was a part of him, deep down, that knew that the dementors would do anything to the, albeit nostalgic, happiness in those precious memories. He was so scared. He'd resisted being broken once, but he wasn't sure he could do it again.</p>
    <p>He could still hear the screams, he could still feel spells nearly hitting him. And more than once, he'd jumped up in fright of being attacked.</p>
    <p>Standing up, he realised how weak he was. His legs shook, not just from the cold air, while his breaths were uneven and urgent. Taking support from the wall, he slowly started to walk, only as much as the chains on his hands allowed him to, and paced a bit til he was strong enough. But it tired him out way too much.</p>
    <p>Suddenly, a large cracking noise was made, making Sirius jump out of his skin, and speeding his breath a little. A dirty house elf appeared at the cage bars, looking dirty and shriveled. It delivered a bowl of what might've been food, but looked more like grey paste with last year's harvest of red berries in it.</p>
    <p>But Sirius couldn't eat. He was aware that it had been around twenty-four hours since he last ate anything, but he felt too sick. His stomach was knotted and uncomfortable, and he felt on the brink of death for some reason, like he was still in the war. Even forcing food down wouldn't work. Not that he wanted to. Starving to death would be a considerably better option than having to live last night over and over again. </p>
    <p>Shit. No. He shouldn't be thinking like this. He'd try his best to fight. For James, and Remus, and Lily, and Harry. Even if it meant living it over for the rest of eternity, he'd do it. Sirius ignored the part of him that longed to just stop, and give in.</p>
    <p>Which was only easy at first.</p>
    <hr/>
    <p>But it couldn't be true. That's what he'd first felt. James and Lily weren't- they <em>weren't</em>- dead. He could still hear their voices in his head, still see their shadows walking past. He wasn't going crazy, it was real, it had to be. <em>It was real. It had to be.</em> If it wasn't, why wasn't Sirius with them, in the dead?</p>
    <p>Sirius allowed himself to travel back in time in his mind, to revisit the memories. The day he'd met James was still fresh in his memory, like it was just yesterday. The first day of Hogwarts. The day he could finally escape from his family. It was the memory he'd always see whenever he cast a patronus.</p>
    <p>
      <em>Sirius walked up to the Hogwarts' express, scared, but he wouldn't let it show. He wanted a friend. He wanted someone to help him. But he was excited. A chance to escape his parents. People kept saying that 'parents know best', but he didn't believe it. He'd been waiting for this day since, well, as long as he could remember. He just wanted to be free.</em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>But he was scared, at least, before a young boy with messy, black hair walked confidently up to him. He had that signature grin of his, which softened over the years. And the mischief lighting up in his eyes. Sirius didn't know that the boy would end up being his brother one day, or that his family would be the family he never had.</em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>The two of them searched for a train compartment together. James talking about his family, as Sirius listened torn between happiness and a twinge of jealousy, while they discussed their excited thoughts of Hogwarts. James telling him about all his plans. All his prank ideas. All the jokes, and funny stories. They especially bonded on their joined desire of being mischief-makers, of being in Gryffindor, and being remembered.</em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>And the skinny boy who struck Sirius the moment their eyes locked. Brown hair, shades of honey, swept hastily to one side. Pale skin, with huge scars across his face, which looked exhausted. But the vividly amber eyes, that reminded Sirius of the autumn leaves, were filled with fear. Sirius recognised the fear. And naturally, James and him decided to take this boy under their wing.</em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>The sorting came. They were both sorted into Gryffindor, making James ecstatic, but Sirius terrified. He had no idea what would happen. What would his parents say? James was looking at him, his eyes much warmer than before.</em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>"Hey, what's wrong?" he asked in a gentler ton than before.</em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>"Nothing," Sirius muttered, looking down at his hands. But it didn't convince James.</em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>"It's okay, you can tell me. Or if you don't want to, that's fine too. But I'll be there for you, don't worry," he said, much more sober than when talking about his pranks. Tears stung the corner of Sirius's eyes, but he blinked them away. He could trust James. He could.</em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>"Well, it's just, my- my parents'll be really- um- they wouldn't have wanted me to be in Gryffindor," Sirius said, his voice heavy with guilt.</em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>James seemed to ponder the information for a moment. "Well, don't worry about what they think. At least I'm proud of you," he said with a smile. "And if that's not enough, my parents would've been proud of you too!"</em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>Sirius smiled. He knew, at that moment, he'd made a friend for life.</em>
    </p>
    <p>Sirius's eyes stung with burning tears, and anger that this had been snatched from him. That only memories were left. The sick, burning feeling in his stomach, that made him want to throw up, but also scream. But he couldn't. Not here, not now. But he had to. And so he did.</p>
    <p>He screamed. It cleared his mind, but also scattering it with the reality of the situation. It felt like a burning ocean, falling over him, drowning him. He tried to reach up to take a breath each time, but he couldn't reach. He was screaming the word "No," over and over again. Because <em>no</em>, they weren't dead, <em>no</em>, this didn't happen, <em>no</em>, it wasn't real, <em>no</em>, it was all a dream...</p>
    <p>And the memories of Lily crept into his mind. He was so close to Lily. Their conversations reached the depths of the oceans, and his trust for hr ran deeper than the roots of trees. She could always calm him down, and she helped Sirius, while he helped her with her sister. But most importantly, she was the first person he came out to. He was so scared. Not even <em>James</em> knew, and that was saying something.</p>
    <p>
      <em>It was silent. The Gryffindor common room was empty, except for him and Lily. Lily was finishing her potions essay, he could see two scrolls of her elegant writing. 'This was his only chance,' he thought to himself. He'd wanted to talk to her about this, because she was the only person he trusted in that way. She was the only one who'd seen him cry, and scream yet, so who better?</em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>He cleared his throat. The words were stuck in his, trapped in the hitch of shuddering breath. He forced the words out, because he'd never get a chance again. Sirius could feel his heartbeat accelerating, beating hard against his chest. His vision was getting blurry at the edges, and he felt sick. But he was going to do it.</em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>"Lily?" His voice came out fragile, and broke in the middle,</em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>"Yes Sirius? Are you, are you alright?" came her concerned, gentle voice. Sirius felt a lump in his throat as he could see her eyes fill with worry.</em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>"Lily, I- I- uh- I have to- to tell you something. I- uh-" This was harder than it seemed. "There's something I n-need to get off my chest, and, well, you're the only person I really trust with it,"</em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>"Hey, Sirius, calm down, breathe with me. Now tell me," she said gently. Her deep and honey-like voice and words always seemed to have a calming effect on Sirius.</em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>"Do you- do you promise you won't hate me if I tell you this? I just- I have to tell someone, and my parents can never find out, so- I thought maybe you. Even James would hate me if I told him," he said quietly.</em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>"I promise, I won't," she said, as he turned his watery eyes to hers. "Nothing could ever make me, or James, hate you, I promise,"</em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>Well, this was it. Sirius took a deep breath. It came out way shakier than he thought it would. The lump in his throat was huge, and he felt especially sick. His heartbeat was too fast, way too fast. "Lily, I- I'm- I'm gay,"</em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>Tears were pouring down his cheeks at this point. His breathing was getting more shallow by the minute. His heart was hammering against his chest at a speed faster than ever before. His chest felt too tight, and he couldn't breathe.</em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>"Hey, Sirius, breathe with me," she said, noticing his panic. Sirius's breaths slowed down eventually, in tune with hers. "Listen, Sirius, it doesn't change anything. I accept it, don't worry, it's okay. And, maybe later when you're ready, maybe tell James. Trust me, he isn't as thick-headed as he seems. But only when you're ready. Sirius, listen, I still love you, it's okay,"</em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>Her words felt like a warm blanket laid against him in the cold. It was near the warmest he'd ever felt, and one of the most bittersweet moments in his life.</em>
    </p>
    <p>But now they were just a memory. And sweet Merlin, Sirius wanted to join them. He wanted to fade away, to see them again. He wanted the veil between them to disappear, revealing their smiling faces, looking at him. Sirius wanted more than ever to join them, to escape this torture and be with them forever. But was he ready? To give up Remus, Harry, the others in the Order? Was it too much to sacrifice?</p>
    <p>Tears were leaking from the corners of his eyes. They were warm against his cold, pale skin. They were falling freely now, carving clear ways through the sweat and dust of last night. He couldn't join them, as much as he wanted to. </p>
    <p>And that made him sick. He couldn't take it. Why did he make Wormtail the secret keeper? He kept regretting it, wondering "what if," torturing himself with alternate universes in which it could've worked out. His rage was building up inside him, to the point that angry tears started escaping his eyes.</p>
    <p>So he screamed again. He screamed for James. He screamed for Lily. He screamed for Harry. He screamed for Remus. But mostly, he screamed for himself, his horrible choice, their deaths at his own hands.</p>
    <hr/>
    <p>James and Lily smiling at him, Remus blushing slightly as he hugged him. The Marauders' first Christmas outside Hogwarts. It was playing in his head. The feeling made him warm, as well as sad. But he wasn't focusing on the sadness, only the nostalgic warmth it brought to his heart.</p>
    <p>As Sirius watched the auburn sun fall against the ocean, he felt a warm breeze come his way. But it was far from comforting, instead reminding him of what he was locked away from. And that's when the first attack happened.</p>
    <p>A hooded figure came sweeping up to him, from outside the barred window. He could see the rotting, shriveled mouth making it's way towards him. Suddenly, the air felt way colder than before, and the warm feeling was replaced with ice. The memory was being wiped away, as he could see James and Lily's corpses lying on the floor, clear in his mind. His insides were being carved out, painfully. It was overwhelming, but at the same time, he was feeling nothing. And he was slowly drifting off...</p>
    <p>He woke up in cold sweats, hyperventilating. The hollow feeling replaced everything. He couldn't feel a thing. But for the first time, he felt defeated. like there was no point trying to fight his way out of there. Maybe giving up was a better option. Remus would move on. Harry wouldn't even recognise him anymore. What was the point?</p>
    <p>Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes, and before long, were streaming down his cheeks. <em>Weak</em>. He never cried nearly this much before- what was wrong with him now? Was he actually breaking? </p>
    <p>A dull ache appeared in his chest, and he could feel a part of him break inside, as the thoughts and realisations came to him. It was indescribable. The feeling was taking over him in waves, each one coming over him before he could reach up and take a breath. He was drowning, but just couldn't reach up to the surface, as the waves kept taking over.</p>
    <p>He could almost hear his mother's screams. <em>"Worthless, pathetic excuse for a son, disgrace to the name."</em> At least she'd be proud of him now. That thought made his stomach churn. He couldn't bare the idea of his biological mother actually being proud of him. It was disgusting. A hoarse, bitter laugh was let out.</p>
    <p>Not even the first week, and he was already spiraling down. His mother was right. He was weak.</p>
    <hr/>
    <p>The sun wasn't didn't break out at dawn today. Azkaban was surrounded by a heavy mist, and the entire world seemed like a never ending planet of darkness. Because of this, Sirius didn't know until later that afternoon, when the orange glow made a show, that it was his birthday.</p>
    <p>He hunched his shoulders, and started smiling sadly, up at the grey wall above him, tinged with fungus and green moss creeping through the cracks. "It's my birthday today, Prongs," he whispered, his voice breaking. "And Merlin, I wish I could spend it with you and Lily, and Harry, and Remus."</p>
    <p>He imagined what today would've been like, had everything gone well. Had Peter not betrayed them. Had Sirius not lead to the cause of James and Lily's deaths. Sirius would've woken up to a chorus of "Happy birthday!" and been wished by his best friends. The day would've been fun, as they never had to work for the Order on their birthdays unless there was an emergency.</p>
    <p>He would've celebrated 22 today with the people he loved most, in the most joyful way possible. But no, he was spending it with the dementors and delirious criminals, while rotting in an Azkaban cell.</p>
    <p>He let a warm tear roll down his cheek, again. And again. And again. Until he drowned in tears, and couldn't breathe through his sobs. Until he was choking on breaths. Until he was reduced to a mess, that was struggling to breath, struggling to keep from screaming.</p>
    <p>The coldness of the stone never felt so numb against his skin. He was tingling all over, and taking too many breaths. The world went numb, and his head was spinning. everything was blurry, and he himself to the cold harshness of it all.</p>
    <p>Maybe he was dying.</p>
    <p>It was almost like falling asleep.</p>
    <hr/>
    <p>Each day passed by in a blur of tears, screams, dementors, and watching the sunset fall over the harsh grey oceans that were thrashing against the rocks. As the weeks started blurring past, he found himself more tired, more hopeless, more depressed, and more weak. But it was so monotonous. So dull. Every day was the same. But everyday was worse.</p>
    <p>Until the day of the full moon. A part of Sirius broke inside him on that day. Useless, he was useless. He was particularly vulnerable to having the warmth sucked out of him on this day, hearing not only his mother's angry screams, but also Remus's screams, during his transformations. </p>
    <p>He watched with cold misery and regret as the sun set. But this time, it felt closer to a shade of red, close to the colour of blood that appeared when Sirius clenched his fists or bit his dry lips too hard. And the sky started getting darker. The blood of the sun started spilling through the sky, until there was only black left.</p>
    <p>He could hear Remus's screams echoing through his minds. His gut wrenching cries for help ringing through the cells. Every time Sirius closed his eyes, he could see Remus crying, face scrunched in pain, on the floor because of the pain. The blood pouring around from the wounds and his insides, as well as the scratch marks on his arms and legs in attempts to numb the transformation.</p>
    <p>It was too painful. It felt like someone had scraped his heart out of him. He couldn't bare watching it. Knowing that this was his first transformation alone. Tears were leaking from his eyes. But these tears were cold. They were sickening.</p>
    <p>And sometimes, when Sirius blinked, he could see Remus in front of him, in the cell as well. Struggling against himself, with his normally warm eyes in a piercing glare boring into Sirius's burning ones. Sirius bit his bottom lip, and clenched his fists so hard that his knuckles turned white and bloody, crescent shaped cuts were formed on his palms.</p>
    <p>Something inside Sirius was threatening to explode. His throat was too constricting, his skin was too tight. He wanted to scream. He wanted to destroy this prison. He wanted to wreck something. Remus didn't deserve this. He shouldn't have to go through this.</p>
    <p>And so he screamed. He screamed louder and hoarser than ever before. The scream was laced with tears and whimpers. He must've looked crazy to the others. But he was going crazy here.</p>
    <hr/>
    <p>But it was a few days after the full moon that the dreadful guilt and monotony, that something changed. When Sirius saw it, he couldn't believe it. He pinched himself hard, til blood was drawn to make sure he wasn't dreaming.</p>
    <p>He'd just woken up from another fitful sleep to the sound of chirping. Something he hadn't heard in more than a month now. It sounded warm and familiar, like he'd heard this particular chirp before somewhere. </p>
    <p>Rubbing his stinging eyes, he waited til his blurry vision cleared, and saw the familiar brown-feathered owl, biting at its wings. It looked so out of place, like his home world had been mixed with the coldness and foreignity of Azkaban. His heart skipped a beat, and a breath caught in his throat.</p>
    <p>In the owl's beak, a few worn, charmed papers were tightly bundled up with brown string. He recognised the brown string; only one he knew person used it. His heart clenched, and was beating in his tightly constricted throat. He slowly pulled himself to his feet, and ruffled through the owl's warm feathers. It initially flinched away, but seemed to recognise Sirius's touch.</p>
    <p>The feathers were warm, and Sirius wished he could stay like that, stroking and running his fingers through the owl's feathers. It was so warm, so close to home. It was the closest bridge between him and Remus.</p>
    <p>He reached for the papers, which were dry and had a slight brown tinge to it. He let himself feel the warmth of the paper, and the nostalgia that came with it. He could faintly smell Remus's green tea and chocolate through it, and it made the cell almost feel like home again.</p>
    <p>But it was mainly tainted by the blood and sweat of the war. And although he wanted to treasure this, and keep it forever, he slowly tugged at the string and let the knot undone.</p>
    <p>Two papers fell out. One was filled with familiar handwriting. The elegant but almost casual cursive, thin lines. Warmth filled up inside him, though his chest was only being squeezed tighter. Tears came out of nowhere again. But these tears were warmer than before, and were lined with bittersweet emotions and memories.</p>
    <p>But warmth was twisted with guilt and uncomfort as he read through the casual cursive in black ink. Remus simply refused to write in blue pen back home, which Sirius noticed in fourth year, after a particularly intense night of copying homework. A faint smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. But the his throat became tighter as saw the first line. More hot tears were escaping as he read it, and he kept whispering <em>"no no no,"</em> over and over again.</p>
    <p>A part of him broke again. Maybe it wasn't only the dementors sucking his soul out.</p>
    <hr/>
    <p>
      <em>Dear <strike>Pad</strike> Sirius,</em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>I just had to somehow talk to you. I don't even know if this'll work, but here goes.</em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>Merlin, this is hard.</em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>I don't know how to start. I don't want to talk about the first transformation. But why, Sirius? You spent the entirety of Hogwarts trying to prove that you weren't like your family. You hated them. So why are you now far away from me, in Azkaban, for betraying us and serving him?</em>
    </p>
    <p><em>How could you? James and Lily, for Merlin's sake. How could you? You know what, I still don't believe you did it. You couldn't have. You loved James and Lily so much. We all did. I refuse to believe it. You were so... what's the word... against your family. You wanted to be anything but a death eater. It wasn't all an act. It couldn't have been. </em> </p>
    <p>
      <em>And Peter.</em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>How could you kill him? He was our friend! We were their friends for years! James was your brother, you had been through so much with him. He's been with you since the very beginning. Remember?</em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>What made you change? Please, Sirius. Why did you do it? Why did you betray them. Oh, sweet Merlin, why? How could you do it? Was it us, or was it me, or was it... what was it?! Because I'm sorry, but Prongs and Lily didn't deserve this. </em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>They fucking trusted you! How could you betray them? You were their best man, remember? The suit, the speech, everything? Or was it all an act? And you were, and regretfully still are, Harry's godfather. James chose you! Lily chose you! They loved you!</em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>And what about me? How could you leave me? All alone, do you have any idea?</em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>I loved you.</em>
    </p>
    <p><em>At least I used to. Who knows. Merlin, this too hard to accept. </em> <em>And I know I usually end all my letters with an "I love you," but I don't know if it's true anymore. Who am I kidding, it still is. No it isn't. It's all your fucking fault.</em></p>
    <p>
      <em>I love you Sirius.</em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>I fucking hate you.</em>
    </p>
    <p>
      <em>Remus.</em>
    </p>
    <p>Sirius read through the words over and over again. He could almost hear Remus's words in his head. It almost felt like Remus was sitting next to him. The warmth radiated by the letter itself had to be magical. Or maybe it was just the Remus part of it that was magical.</p>
    <p>The smell of it had almost filled the cell. The mainly green tea, and rich milk chocolate that Remus always carried around everywhere, and it made him feel distant as he realised how far away he was from it. Sirius had once bought the chocolate as a gift in fifth year, and since then, it had been Remus's favourite. It was always Sirius's job to make sure they'd never run out. He swallowed as the memory filled him up.</p>
    <p>And Remus seemed to love green tea. Sirius absolutely hated it, but then, Remus seemed to hate coffee, so it was technically fair between them. But Sirius knew it helped with his post-transformations and anxiety. Since they joined the Order, the one thing Remus would always do without fail would be to drink a cup of green tea before he left. </p>
    <p>The memories rushing through Sirius's mind made his heart ache. Remus hated him. Remus thought Sirius was the traitor. Remus hated him. And Sirius sank back, holding his knees with his arms, as he thought of Remus all alone. </p>
    <p>Remus mourning them alone. Remus attending their funeral alone. Remus making an eulogy alone. Sirius couldn't take it. Everything dawned on him again. Their deaths. James and Lily's deaths. They were dead. And oh god, he'd never see them again. Unless... no.</p>
    <p>Sirius pulled his knees closer, making him a smaller, tighter ball, and buried his head in his knees, allowing tears, loud whimpers, and almost-screams to escape him.</p>
    <p>A hollow feeling inside him started to grow. His chest began to ache dully, and his lungs were feeling tighter and tighter. The lump in his throat made him feel sick to his stomach, and the longing feeling grew til he started screaming. He didn't feel right, like he wasn't in his body, and he was so far away. He just wanted to go home. </p>
    <p>Remus going through his transformations all alone. Without Padfoot and Prongs. Peter was completely erased from Sirius's memory. He couldn't bare to think of his horrible decision. </p>
    <p>Remus having panic attacks alone. Remus going through the aftermath of the war alone. Remus waking up alone.</p>
    <p>Every Single Day.</p>
    <p>Without him.</p>
    <hr/>
    <p> </p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>if you managed to sit through this shit, i apologise for taking away your sanity and mental stability.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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